tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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