I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
