Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
