Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
