have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
