M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
