I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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