Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
