my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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