Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
