What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
how does that bad decision feel?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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