I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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