Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
