I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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