Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
