i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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