I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
