Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
