remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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