i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
