are you so shy because you have an std?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
