Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
