I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i believe in u and ur pee
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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