So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
