$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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