i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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