My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
