So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
