Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I won the penis lottery.
smell my finger.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
