i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
