I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
