It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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