just survived the first fart of the relationship.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
