TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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