My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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