She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
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I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
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Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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