i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
