I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
