The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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