last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
