if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
