I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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