At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
