I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
