I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
