sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
