Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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