remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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