It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
