I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.