i jhust puked up my retainher.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast