She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
