So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
