I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
