Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Never joke about your clitoris.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
