you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
