it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
