I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
