someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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