I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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