my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
