I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
